Milkshake: The Most Epic Story Ever
by Paper Doll Decay
Summary: The convicts just escaped from Fox River. This is a story of love, drama, and pissing your pants laughing and otherwise. You'll understand the title in later chapters. Takes place as an alternate ending of season 1. 'Ships will be revealed over time.
1. Prologue

Prologue

A story of humor, drama, and awesomeness. My sister(**Mrs. Dr. Robert Chase**) and I wrote it.

Note: This takes place in Season 1, just before the season finale, and is an alternate ending to the season.

Rated T for coarse language and confused sexuality.

* * *

Michael, Sucre, Lincoln, T-Bag, Abruzzi, C-Note, Chicken Milk, and for some reason Haywire had all just made it over the prison wall and a safe distance away.

"What now?" Haywire asked.

Sucre began to look green. "Oh, man I think I'm going to be sick."

Michael held out his open arms and said, "Come here. I'll make you feel better." He then embraced Sucre with a passionate hug.

"This is what I always wanted."

"Umm... did you just piss yourself?" Michael asked, and started to pull away from the hug with his hands up in the air.

"I told you I was scared!"

"That's... great..." Michael said looking down at his own pants and seeing that they too were wet.

"You two are queer," T-Bag said.

Chicken Milk laughed. "That's the pot calling the kettle black."

"Now that's just racist," C-Note said, and then punched Chicken Milk right in the face.

Lincoln started to look agitated. "Hurry the fuck up, we're trying to escape."

"Did I forget to tell the plane people that we're escaping today?" Abruzzi asked no one in particular.

Everyone else simultaneously exclaimed, "WHAT!?!?!?" Sucre's bladder let go again.

"Seriously!?" Michael said. He wasn't talking about the fact that Abruzzi couldn't remember, he was talking about Sucre's embarrassingly low amount of bladder control.

Sucre held his head down in shame.

"Oh wait, yeah I did!" Abruzzi said.

"Thank God, now we can get the fuck out of here," Lincoln exclaimed.

* * *

**Authors' Note: This was just a short prologue, there is more to come with more crazy humor and longer, more detailed chapters. Also, C-Note punched Chicken Milk in the face, because he wasn't wearing jeans. Any one who likes the Lonely Island knows what we're talking about. We hope that you enjoyed this half as much as we enjoyed writing it, and that you have better bladder control than Sucre.**


	2. Snakes on a Plane

**Snakes on a Plane**

Rated T for excessive use of the F word and mild confusion/adult humor.

* * *

Lincoln Burrows sat on the plane with his fellow escaped convicts staring disgustedly at Sucre.

"Why are you still wearing those pants? That's just fucking sickening," Lincoln commented.

"I'm so scared that it will probably just happen again. Plus I couldn't stand to be away from Michael," replied Sucre.

"Now that's just something I didn't need to know," exclaimed Theodore Bagswell trying not to gag.

"Oh I feel sick again!" Sucre burst out.

Michael pulled a red lollipop out of his pocket. He was still wearing the same pants, but they were _**almost**_ dry.

"Here have a lollipop."

"Thanks, bro."

"WHAT?" Lincoln said, wondering why someone else had referred to his brother as 'bro'. "Oh wait, never mind."

Theodore stared dreamily at Lincoln. "Do you have a lollipop, Lincoln?"

Lincoln glared at him. "Fuck you; that was the last one."

"Lollipop, lollipop, ooo, lolly, lolly, lolly, lollipop," sung T-Bag dejectedly, while everyone else just stared.

"You are such a T-Fag!" Lincoln said.

"Oh, my bad. I didn't realize it wasn't sing along time."

"Aw, my lolly's gone," Sucre said.

"Then go change your fucking pants!" Lincoln said.

"Michael will you come with me?" Sucre asked.

Michael ignored both of them and rubbed Sucre's back to make him feel better. "It's okay. We'll buy some more when the plane lands."

"It's okay now that you're sitting here," Sucre said.

"Honestly, at this point I'm not sure if death row wouldn't have been a better alternative," Lincoln said.

T-Bag sighed and put his head down sadly. He was hoping that Lincoln might comfort him, the way Michael was comforting Sucre, tenderly holding him in his arms.

"Hey, why are you two still here anyway?" C-Note said, gesturing towards Haywire and Chicken Milk. He didn't really care at this point; he just wanted to pretend that people actually realized he was there.

"Eh, I needed some company aside from the couples," Abruzzi said and pointed at Michael and Sucre cuddling, and Theodore and Lincoln sitting next to each other.

"_**WHAT!?!??!?!?!?!?" **_Lincoln said, his eyes nearly popping out of his head.

T-Bag no longer looked sad and a grin spread across his face.

"Man, why didn't you just ask me for company?" C-Note asked Abruzzi.

Abruzzi and C-Note skipped towards each other from opposite sides of plane in slow motion while sappy music played, then they jumped into a midair, yet somehow manly hug.

"Man, and people call me gay," Chicken Milk said.

Haywire holds out his open arms and joins Abruzzi and C-Note in the ultimate hug.

"Dude," C-Note said to Haywire.

"What?" Haywire said.

Abruzzi backed away. "I'm just going to um... go to the bathroom now..."

C-Note glared at Haywire, "Look at what you've done."

Haywire walked away. "Fine, no one wants a Haywire hug. I'm just going to jump out of the plane now." (**Authors' Note: If only that would actually happen.)**

Chicken Milk said, "Yo, man that's crazy. You better stay here. I ain't being the only straightie on this ship."

Lincoln said, "Are you fucking serious, dude? I'm not a fucking homo! I'm STRAIGHT! S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T."

Michael patted his brother's hand. "It's okay. You don't have to deny your sexuality. I'll love you no matter what."

T-Bag patted his other hand. He was smiling widely. "You don't have to fight it. Embrace it. _**No one**_ here will be mad at you if admit it."

"Stop fucking touching me!" Lincoln said, pushing Theodore out of his seat.

T-Bag was instantly on his feet. "Do you want a milkshake, Lincoln?"

"Anything that will get you the fuck away from me!" Lincoln said.

"Sure thing, Burries," T-Bag said.

"Burries? Where the fuck did that name come from?" C-Note asked.

Theodore ignored him. He was walking towards the kitchen.

Michael suddenly looked serious, and stopped hugging Sucre. "Linc, there's something I need to tell you, and it's very serious."

"Serious? Nothing about this is fucking serious!" Lincoln said. (**Authors' Note: Breaking out of prison is actually very serious... we think.**)

"But this _is_ serious... It's of life and death importance..."

Even Sucre's face was serious. For once it looked as if he wasn't about to piss himself, or lose his lunch.

T-Bag was singing, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like. It's better than yours, damn right it's better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge. I know you want it, the thing that makes me, what the guys go crazy for. They lose their minds, the way I wind, I think it's time..."

With that he turned the blender on. There was a brief second of blender noise, then T-Bag yelped. "MY FUCKING HAND!!!"

* * *

**Authors' Note: Mrs. Dr. Robert Chase thought that no one would understand the name of this chapter. It's because they're all dudes (we think,) and on a plane. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Also Michael's serious secret will be revealed in later chapters. It's quite the cliffhanger, so you'll want to keep reading!**


	3. Surprises from the Cockpit

**Surprises from the Cockpit**

Rated T for no one closing the bathroom door, what the hell is wrong with them? Also sexual confusion and excessive swearing (not mentioning any names, _Lincoln_.)

* * *

All of the men (except for Abruzzi who was currently taking a massive shit) ran into the room where T-Bag had just screamed bloody murder after demolishing his hand in a blender.

"Hey look my milkshake _did _bring all the boys to the yard," T-Bag said.

"Dude, what _happened_?" Haywire asked.

Sucre cringed against Michael's chest. Michael cringed, expecting his 'friend' to have a 'little accident' once again, but fortunately Sucre managed to restrain himself for once.

"That's not fucking mango!!!" Lincoln yelled.

T-Bag was still on the floor, haemorrhaging rapidly. "I'm sorry! It was supposed to be. I FAILED YOU!"

"How the hell did you lose your hand making a fucking milkshake?" Lincoln asked in his outside voice.

"I can teach you, but I have to charge..." T-Bag said, his voice sounding fainter as he sung.

"Hmm..." Michael said, still holding a distraught Sucre. "I always thought Chicken Milk would be the one who ended up in a milkshake."

"What about Sucre? Milkshakes need Sugar," Chicken Milk said, trying to protect himself from the teasing of the older boys.

Michael smiled beamingly. "I would drink _that _milkshake."

"Well I'm drinking this milkshake. It's still good," Lincoln said; tossing Theodore Bagwell's dismembered hand out of the blender and proceeding to take a swig from the blender.

This was too much for poor Sucre to handle, and he ran to the bathroom to hurl. Unfortunately for Abruzzi, he was still on the toilet, oblivious to everything that had happened in the last five minutes.

"Did you just FUCKING HURL IN MY FUCKING LAP?" Abruzzi asked.

"I told you I was scared!" Sucre said, once again.

Michael quickly responded, "That was like three hours ago!"

"You're making me feel bad!" Sucre said as tears welled up in his eyes.

"Seriously close the fucking door! This is not the time or place for a lover's quarrel." Abruzzi yelled.

"Oh, but it is," T-Bag said, still lying on the floor.

Michael finally closed the door to the bathroom. "I'm sorry Sucre. Let's never fight again." With that, they had a heartfelt hug.

"Man, I think _I'm _going to be sick. And not from the fucking milkshake. Which was actually quite good by the way. Thanks T-Fag," Lincoln said.

T-Bag had a smile on his face (despite the name Lincoln had called him) for a brief moment before he started yelling from the pain of his missing hand again. "Does anyone care that I'm still bleeding to death on the floor after losing my fucking hand?"

C-Note laughed. "You were still singing a couple of minutes ago, pretty boy."

Lincoln's head whipped around in a sudden surge of jealousy.

Abruzzi came flying out of the bathroom, this time surprisingly wearing pants. "You didn't say that T-Bag's hand got cut off! How could you let me miss that?"

"I'm hungry. Where did that milkshake go?" Haywire asked.

"Seriously? Can someone help me? I'm going to die if someone doesn't bandage up my stump," T-Bag said.

"I'll do it," said Sara walking out of the cockpit. "But I'll need someone to help."

"I'll do it," Lincoln said, a little too quickly. Michael beamed with pride. T-Bag passed out still with a smile on his face.

* * *

**Author's Note: We're so proud of Sucre; he's finally made it through a chapter without pissing himself! Pretty soon he'll be fully potty-trained! We really hope Abruzzi cleaned up the vomit before he left the bathroom. **

**Coming up next on Prison Break: Where Sara came from, Michael's shocking secret, Sucre makes a snarky comment, and more. Will Lincoln's sexuality be revealed? (Probably not.) Will T-Bag survive his stump injury? Will Sucre finally get to wear his big boy pants? Will we stop using gay expressions like that? (Not a fucking chance in hell!)**


	4. Straighties on a Ship

**Straighties on a Ship?**

"Hey, where the fuck did you come from?" Lincoln said, addressing Sara whom had just emerged from the cockpit carrying a first aid kit.

"Who did you think was flying the plane?" Sara asked opening the first aid kit up and removing bandages.

"A trained pilot?" Lincoln asked.

Sucre said, "Snap!"

"Why would you think that?" Sara said covering T-Bag's stump with the bandages. "I'm going to need you to put pressure on that, Lincoln."

"That's what she said," Sucre said.

"Am I the only sane one here?" Lincoln asked.

"It's fun to be a little crazy sometimes Lincoln," T-Bag said before he passed out again.

Haywire strutted over. "Yeah, Lincoln. It's funny to be a little crazy sometimes?" He stared into Lincoln's eyes creepily and leaned in to kiss him.

Lincoln dodged the kiss without taking pressure off the wound. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHER FUCKING DOUCHEBAG! Jackass Bastard Fucking Gorilla Omnivore!"

Haywire backed off. "Okay, okay! I just thought... Never mind!" He sobbed hysterically and ran away.

"Jesus Fucking Christ," Lincoln said, he was still holding the bandages down on T-Bag's stump.

"So, how's the T-Baguette doing?" C-Note asked.

Sara peaked under the bandages, felt Theodore's head, and checked his pulse. "He's going to be okay."

"THANK GOD!" Lincoln said. He then noticed everyone was looking at him, and glared. C-Note raised an eyebrow.

"Seriously, where did you come from, Sara?" Abruzzi said.

"Hey, I just remembered, you cut off my toe! Get the fuck out of here!" Michael said.

Abruzzi gave Michael a death glare. "This is my fucking plane, and your boyfriend just threw up on my fucking lap! Isn't that enough?"

"Fine you can stay," Michael said, sulkily.

"No really, how did you get here?" Chicken Milk asked.

"I've been here the whole time," Sara said, patiently as if talking to a toddler. "You said hi to me when you got on the plane."

"Oh yeah, that happened!" Everyone said.

"You'd think I would have known that," Abruzzi said. "Oh, well."

"NOW that Sara's here I'm not the only straightie on this ship," Chicken Milk said, winking.

Suddenly, out of nowhere Sucre wound up and punched Chicken Milk straight in the face.

"Shit, that actually hurt!" Chicken Milk yelped.

Everyone looked confused- including Michael- in Sucre's direction. "Did Sucre just do something effective?" Lincoln asked.

"What the hell was that for?" Sara asked confused as to why Sucre was defending her honour.

"Wait, I thought he was winking at Michael," Sucre said apologetically.

"No, seriously. Did Sucre really just do something cool?" Lincoln asked.

"Not on purpose!" Sucre said defensively.

"I think you're cool anyway," Michael said. Sucre smiled proudly.

Abruzzi and Lincoln simultaneously pretend to hurl, turning towards each other. Their heads banged together. "Shit," they said together.

T-Bag had started to stir into consciousness several minutes ago, and now looked significantly better. "Hey, stop hitting on my boyfriend. Literally."

"What fucking boyfriend?" Lincoln asked.

"Sorry, bro," Sucre said to Chicken Milk who was stilling holding his face, now with a black eye.

"I think it's time you get your big boy pants, Sucre," T-Bag said.

Lincoln nodded. "Especially so you can change out of those still wet ones. Hey, wait a second! I thought you and Michael went to change out of those an hour ago!"

"Yeah... about that..." Sucre said.

"Sucre's already wearing his big boy pants. I checked!" Michael said proudly.

Sucre said, "Yeah!"

"Can I have _my _big boy pants?" Haywire asked.

"Speaking of that, does anyone have a fresh pair of pants? Mine still have Sucre vomit on them," Abruzzi said.

Sara stood up, leaving Lincoln to put pressure on T-Bag's wound. "Want a skirt?"

"Nah, I'm good," Abruzzi said.

T-Bag grinned. "_I'll_ take it."

"Shut the fuck up!" Lincoln said, kicking T-Bag in the leg whilst simultaneously holding the bandages on his stump.

"I'm sure Haywire over there would take it," C-Note said gesturing at Haywire. "After all he needs some big boy pants."

"T-Bag, you need to get some sleep and _then_ you can wear the skirt," Sara said.

"Lincoln? I lost my Teddy-Bear, can I sleep with you?" Theodore Bagwell said with a straight(?) face.

Lincoln was about to fly off the handle, but Sucre interrupted him. "Here, bro. You can have mine. It's not even wet, I swear!"

"Yeah, thanks... _That's_ what I wanted..." T-Bag said with a sigh.

"Seriously, Lincoln. I have to talk to you alone. This secret is eating me up inside!" Michael said.

"Sure whatever..." Lincoln said. "Better than being in here with all these queers. Let's go in the kitchen."

Lincoln, Michael and Sucre stood up and Michael held up a hand. "No, Sucre. Not this time. I have to do this alone."

"But Michael!" Sucre said sitting back down and sobbing. "Now you owe me a whole boxof _red _lollipops."

The two brothers walked away and locked themselves in the kitchen. On the other side of the door T-Bag said, "I wish _I _was locked in there with them," and winked at no one in particular.

Sucre punched him in the face. "This time I _meant_ it!"

"Dude, your man is only an added bonus. Lincoln is my soul mate, he's beautiful inside and out," T-Bag said causing all the men to laugh until they hurled and Sara to congratulate T-Bag on joining the Fox River Brothers Fan Girl Club.

Meanwhile in the kitchen there was an awkward silence as Lincoln sat bored and Michael debated not telling his real secret. After about half an hour Lincoln got bored and said, "Dude, weren't you going to tell me something?"

"Oh yeah," Michael said, turning bright red. "Umm... I'm not diabetic."

"What the fuck, bro? I already knew that!" Lincoln said. "I've only known you since you were born. What's your _real_ secret?"

"It's just that it's so embarrassing!" Michael said. "Even more embarrassing than when Sara caught me making out with a picture of her while she was giving me an insulin shot. And I did her makeup on the picture too! She said it was beautiful, but too creepy," he said sadly.

"I seriously doubt anything is more embarrassing than that and everything else that's happened today," Lincoln said. "What, did you sleep with T-Bag?"

"No, but on that train of thought... The funny thing about trains it that if train A is traveling at the speed of 90 miles an hour and train B is traveling at the speed of 30 miles an hour, they'll never crash because they're on different tracks." Michael then commenced to make train noises. "Choo-choo! Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, choo-choo!" While he made the five year old arm movements to go with it.

Lincoln then slapped Michael across the face. "Get a hold of yourself! What the fuck is your fucking secret?"

"...We never really broke out of prison. They just threw us all in this room because they're sick of us!"

"No, seriously."

"I LIKE DORA THE EXPLORER!" He screamed.

"No you don't. You got into prison from slitting her throat!" Lincoln said.

Michael sobbed, "Well she just kept saying Ola! I'm Dora!"

"Fair enough," Lincoln said, nodding his head sadly. "Fair, e-nough."

"It's just that it's a really big secret," Michael said. "Like a _really_ big secret. Like a secret so big that if it was a dude, Avocado would be his bitch."

"Wow, that is _fucking_ serious! And a horrible image to put in my head!" Lincoln replied.

"I ate pie with Kellerman."

"SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR SECRET OR I JUST WON'T LISTEN ANYMORE!" Lincoln yelled.

"I still watch Blue's Clues!" Michael said. "And I never win... Even when I watch reruns."

"TELL ME!"

"LJ IS MY ILLEGITIMATE LOVE CHILD!"

"I'M HIS FATHER I THINK I WOULD KNOW THAT!"

"NICK SAVRINN HAS ABS OF STEEL!"

"NO SHIT SHERLOCK!"

"I WEAR HIGH HEELS AND LINGERIE IN MY SPARE TIME!"

"That's _Victoria's_ Secret." Lincoln said rolling his eyes.

"FINE! I'LL TELL YOU! _I'M_ the one that wets the pants, not Sucre! Actually no... I'd rather just tell you the truth. I'M GAY!" Michael yelled, loud enough for everyone in the plane to hear.

* * *

**A/N: Holy shit, Sucre got partially bad ass! Even Haywire's scared! AND I BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT SECRET COMING! Also, this is the second chapter in the row that Sucre has managed to control his bladder. I think we've managed to potty train him. Still haven't managed to potty train LJ, which is why he isn't here right now. And Kellerman? He's potty-trained but chooses to pee on people. Lincoln I guess that didn't work out for you leaving the room of queers.**

**Coming up? What's Lincoln's reaction to Michael's secret? Are Haywire, Chicken Milk, C-Note, and Abruzzi still even on the plane? What the fuck happened to T-Bag's injury and why is he acting so casual? And who does Michael have a secret crush on? Do you want us to asking these stupid questions? Then man up, even Sucre's wearing his big boy pants and REVIEW!**


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